Overdone_The Loss of Reason Read online

  “Have you ever thought that you had a father complex? Forget about me wanting you to stay. Why go back to that old man? Stay with me.”

  “You just said to forget about you wanting me to stay.” She kissed my chest, running her lips downward. I pulled her up.

  “No. We are not doing that again. You’re making a mistake. You’re only 25. That’s too young to marry anyone.”

  “It’s my birthday today. I’m 26.” She ran her lips down my chest again.

  Eleven years she had been on my mind, in my heart. I wasn’t even going to bother adding all the years I watched her, wanting to be with her. It felt like my entire life.

  “Will you drive me to the airport?” She crawled back up to me and rested her head on my chest.

  “No but I’ll walk you back up to your parents house. My car is up there anyway.” I willed myself to let go of her.

  “You’re walking me up there because your cars is there? I can walk myself, thank you.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Letting go? It wasn’t working.

  “I know I was kidding.” She put her clothes back on, “Time to get up Danny. What are we going to say to your parents if we see them? I feel like a teenager again.”

  “We’ll say good morning. Zelda I don’t want you to go. You’re making a mistake. Stay with me. We’ll figure it out.” Didn’t work at all.

  “Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

  We made it out of my house and to hers in silence without seeing anyone.

  “I’ll try to come out more often,” She said as we stood on the doorstep of her parent’s home.

  “Every three years instead of five?” She was breaking me in two.

  “I could come home for the holidays.” She carried on, not getting it at all.

  “Do you hear yourself? What kind of life are you planning? Fly out for your annual Danny fuck? I’m not going to see you again. I don’t understand you. I don’t think you understand yourself. You can’t have it both ways. Nobody can.” I kissed her for what I thought would be the last time.

  “You’re right. I lost my head for a moment. Good-bye Danny.” She closed the door, leaving me alone on her doorstep. I stood for a moment frozen, lost. With a powerful shake of my head, I turned and walked down to my car. I headed down Sunset at lightning speed, turned right on PCH and drove straight up the coast to Marin County to visit my brother.

  Chapter Two

  Lost in the memories of my night with Danny, I rinsed the conditioner from my hair. My hands running through it felt like his. I thought of indulging myself but wanted his touch to stay with me for as long as possible.

  I regretted the loss of his scent on my body as I dressed. I chose to wear the blouse I had worn the night before to carry him with me for one more day. I held it to my face before putting it on. I closed my eyes again, breathing him in to hold the memory.

  “Anthony time to take me to the airport.” I called out to our house from the kitchen, dressed with my large black leather carry-on in hand, luggage at my feet.

  “Where were you last night? I was worried.” My brother asked as he walked into the kitchen. I would miss him the most. He had grown up so beautifully. He looked so much like our father with his hair of soft dark curls and aquiline nose.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg had a party. I fell asleep on their sofa.” I placed my bag on the floor and went to the refrigerator to get a glass of orange juice, “Would you like some juice before we go?”

  “No. You fell asleep on the sofa? Was Danny there?” He asked in an unwanted paternal way.

  I poured myself a glass and drank it, hoping he would forget his question. “I suppose he was around somewhere. Could you grab my suitcases? I’m running so late.” Changing the subject seemed the best strategy.

  “Zelda you are a liar. Why don’t you just stay here? You don’t have to go back. You’ve been gone for five years. You made your point.”

  “I don’t know what point I made, but it’s my home now.”

  “Paolo is a creep. I know you were with Danny. Seriously, you're trying to tell me you fell asleep on the sofa.” He picked up my bags and carried them out to his black SUV.

  “I don’t like talking about these things with you Anthony.” I climbed into the front seat and wished I hadn’t packed my sunglasses in the suitcase.

  “You know I see him now and then. I’ll be driving by his parent’s house and he’ll be pulling into their driveway. I’ll stop and we’ll talk. He never once asked about you. That’s pretty hard core don’t you think?” He asked as we drove down our canyon, past Danny’s parents house. I put my hand up to the window wanting to reach out and go back.

  “I’m sure he’s put me in the past where I belong. Can we talk about something else? How’s school? I always imagined you would go to the East Coast like I did. UCLA’s so close to home.”

  “You mean Boston like you and Danny did? Did you put him in your past? I don’t think that’s what he did. He’s cool. Stay home. Spend some time with him.”

  “You just want to play in his family’s ridiculous bowling alley again. People don’t build such silliness in Spain.” My voice caught on the disloyal and untrue words.

  “I’m sorry Zelda. I miss you. I don’t want you to go.”

  “I miss you too. I’ll try to come out more often. You’re coming out in June?” I stared out the window in an attempt to regain my composure.

  “Yes. Mom and Dad are going to try to make it this time too.”

  “They pop in unexpectedly sometimes. I see them more living over there than I ever did at home.”

  “It works for me, our big house all to myself. I’m the party man.” He continued talking, telling me about his girlfriend who was away building houses in Mexico, his friends and all the parties at his fraternity.

  I found myself laughing at his stories. The time flew by and then much too quickly we were parked in front of the American Airlines terminal.

  “You want me to help you carry your bags in? I could park.”

  “Dad bought me first class. I think they’ll take care of me from the curb.”

  “He spoils you. I get coach.” He laughed.

  “He worries about me still. I don’t know why he bought me the ticket though. I have my trust fund and my scarf line makes money.”

  “I love your scarves but you’re trying to tell me you make enough for a first class round trip ticket?”

  “I could probably buy one ticket, maybe two this year.” I laughed and poked him in the stomach. “Give me a hug.”

  “I love you Zelda. Get on the computer, email me, your letters take forever.” He lifted me off the ground in a tight hug, almost swinging me around. I laughed again as he put me back on the ground.

  “Anything for you. See you in June. I love you.” The porter came for my luggage and led me quickly through all the lines and security. I thanked my father silently for his over protectiveness.

  I stretched out and adjusted my seat to the bed position as the seat belt light flickered off. I allowed myself the flight to think of Danny. When I disembarked the plane he would leave my mind and I would go back to being myself, I promised myself.

  I didn’t ask him about his life. Our limited time together had all been in the moment. I knew from the letters his mother sent that he lived on the beach and played on the stock market. Apparently he was quite good at it. I couldn’t imagine him that way. He had always wanted to be a doctor, responsible like his parents.

  Mrs. Goldberg wrote he surfed the day away after the markets closed. He sounded like an overgrown child. The sport gave him a leaner body than the games of his youth. His thick brown hair that he had always worn short, and a bit tousled was longer with steaks of gold, making his blue eyes brighter. I didn’t know if I would have recognized him outside the context of his home.

  I drifted off to sleep under the comfort of the blankets, imagining his broad shoulders enveloping me. I imagined turning the plane around and running
back to him. I indulged my fantasy knowing I would never do that. Unlike Danny I knew all these feelings were nostalgia.

  Paolo waited for me outside of customs. He looked so old as he stood beyond the roped off walkway, waiting for me in his loose khakis and yellow linen shirt. His face wrinkled up as he smiled and held his arms out to welcome me home. The shock of his aged appearance melted away as he hugged me. If anything he was more possessive than Danny. I never questioned why I liked that quality in a man.

  Back at our apartment in the heart of the Huertas District, Paolo made me tea and wrapped me up in a blanket on our sofa. I had found it at a flea market my first year living with him in Madrid. The fabric was olive green velvet with an embroidered gold art nouveau pattern. The frame a dark aged and ornately carved mahogany. I had oiled and waxed the wood to save its luster. Our home was exactly as I wanted it. It was good to be back.

  Paolo came to me, removing my blanket and took me in his usual forceful way. I winced. My insides were sore from Danny. I was seldom the aggressor with Paolo. We fall into our patterns, and that was the way with us.

  We lay on the sofa fulfilled, in each other’s arms. I thought of telling him of my time with Danny as I had told him about my experience with the waiter in Barcelona. Honesty was important to us. I let it go uncomfortable sharing what could be my last memory of Danny. I would hold it in my heart. A woman was entitled to one secret. I fell asleep on the sofa exhausted from my day of travel.

  Chapter Three

  I had been staying at my brother Brian’s house for a little over a month. I knew it was time to head back home, but I was having too much fun with my nephew Benjamin. He was a cherub-cheeked carbon copy of my brother. The Goldberg genes were strong in us, he-men that we were.

  Benny was learning how to walk. He took his first wobbly steps were to me. Vanessa, Brian’s wife filmed the whole thing and sent the video down to my parents. I dug their domestic bliss.

  I spent my nights down at my brother’s restaurant in San Francisco, helping out in the kitchen, sometimes bartending, but mostly sitting at the bar getting to know the waitresses. I made my way through two of them before Brian had a little talk with me. I was upsetting the balance of his workplace. Bad karma he said. My brotastic brother, as my friends used to call him, had turned into an urban hippie.

  Zelda lingered in my mind, but not much more than she usually did. The memory of our night together was dim from the drinking, or maybe I had let go of her. I didn’t know, and I had the good sense not to question it. It was time to go home.

  “Brian I’m going to take off later today, need to get back to the beach bro.” Our parents had worried about him and the skater culture he ate up when we were growing up. It was a relief for them when he got into Syracuse and buckled down, serious about journalism. How he ended up in Northern California with a family and restaurant, with me the golden son, floating around the beach all day was another mystery I didn’t want to question.

  “Don’t be a stranger. Benny needs his uncle around. Vanessa is pregnant again. I haven’t told Mom and Dad yet so keep it to yourself for a couple of days.”

  “You’re the man Brian. The seed is strong in you. Keep the family going my man.”

  “It’ll be your turn soon Danny.”

  “Don’t hold your breath. That plan is a long way off, thirty-five at least, maybe push it to forty.”

  “You know what God says about plans right?”

  “Ha Ha.” I gave him a strong hug, with a brutal pat on the back, said my goodbyes to Vanessa and Benny and headed back home. Music blasting all the way down the long and winding coastal road back home.

  Chapter Four

  My work studio was across the hall from our apartment. I could have found a less expensive space in the factory district but it was too far away and rundown for my tastes and comfort level. I liked the luxury of going into work wearing my bathrobe and drinking my hot bitter freshly brewed coffee. I had gutted the space to make way for the barrels of plant-based dyes I made. The large open space of the studio smelled like a farmer’s market. The high ceilings covered in trace colors from the vegetable steam.

  The cashmere for my scarves would be shipped from Scotland on big rolls monthly already knit into a loose pattern. I would boil it, shrinking the fibers into tight knits and stretch them out on large frames, pouring the dye over the dry fabric and letting it sit for days, rinsing them in cold water to create random patterns finishing with embroidered designs using 14kt gold thread. The last part, the sewing was the most difficult because the delicate thread did not like the pull of the needle.

  I would do the embroidery on Fridays with help from my assistant Silviana. We would rent a pile of films from the local art and import video store around the corner from my home. Silviana preferred English language films hoping to perfect her accent. She dreamed of moving to New York one day. It seemed like nobody ever wanted to be where they were, except for me of course.

  Mid-November I threw up over a batch of scarves we had worked on all week. Silviana helped me back to my apartment, telling me in a mix of Spanish and English that she would rinse the batch quickly. She made me laugh by saying it would be a new finish, a new look for our stores in the US. The laughter made me more nauseous. I held my hand over my mouth and told her to throw the scarves away. We would have one or two of her cousins in the following week and double our efforts. I slept the rest of the day exhausted.

  Paolo came home late that night from his classes at the University where he was a Professor of Spanish Literature. He sat beside me on the sofa and placed his hand on my forehead. His expression showed concern with the furrow of his brow.

  “You’re not feeling well?”

  “I was a little sick in my studio. I ruined a batch of scarves. I’ll have to make it up next week. I feel better now. How were your classes today?” I curled up against him and closed my eyes, ready to go back to sleep.

  “Same as always. My international students played on their phones. Very distracting.” He ran his hand down my shoulder and onto my breast.

  “Ouch, that hurts. I must be getting my period.”

  “When was your last period?” He looked closely at me, the lines of his brow deep.

  “I don’t know. I’ve been so busy getting my orders out for the holidays.”

  “Your face is full, you’re nauseous, and your breasts are tender... Stay here.” He ran back out the door. I fell back to sleep.

  “Here Zelda, go to the bathroom. Take this test.” The crunch of a paper bag next to my face woke me up. He held a pregnancy test in his hand.

  “Don’t be silly. I’m not pregnant. I have a touch of the flu.” I pulled the blanket over my head. I didn’t even want to consider the possibility of being with child.

  “You can’t hide this from me Mi Tesoro.”

  “Go away Paolo. I’m sleepy.” He lifted me up from the sofa.

  “Carino, you make me a father. Come to the bathroom or I shall tickle you until you urinate and I will put the stick under you.”

  “Okay my darling. Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not pregnant.” I laughed as he walked me to the bathroom. He made me take the test with the door open as if he didn’t trust me. We stood silently in the hallway for the two minutes it took for the test to reveal the results. He took the stick from my clenched hand.

  “Carino. I am to be a father.” He grabbed me, hugging me tightly with tears in his eyes. Letting go, he went to our kitchen bringing back a bottle of Champagne for himself, and an orange juice for me. I stood against the door stunned.

  I thought of Danny. He may had been final when I saw him last but I never truly believed it. My baby with Paolo would close that door forever. I hadn’t thought of him since coming back home. Why would he invade my thoughts? Good-bye my boy-love forever.

  My eyes filled with tears. Paolo thought it was from happiness. He was wrong. It was because I was disloyal. I hugged him, burying my face in his shoulder. I would put Danny o
ut of mind from that day forward I promised myself.

  “I am to be a mother.” He got on his knees and kissed what I had thought was only a bloated belly.

  “Paolo I’m going to call my parents and Anthony, okay?” I put my hand to my chest and patted gently to keep the beats even.

  “In a moment.” He pulled open my robe and kissed my body. We made love on the floor. I focused on the sensations, pushing my lingering thoughts of Danny away.

  Chapter Five

  First night of Chanukah, another formal party at my parent’s house... Brian and Vanessa were coming down from the Bay Area with little Benny, so I was good with it. I looked forward to it even.