Book Three_A Codependent Love Story Page 20

  I didn't know what to say to her as I glanced around her room and zipped up my pants. Everything looked so cheap and plastic. She had tacked posters of musicians straight on to her wall. Her bedspread was a bright pink synthetic fabric and everything seemed too shiny, not enough natural fibers in her life.

  I thought of my friends and their homes with framed pictures on their walls, bulletin boards for tacking on their more transient interests. Our furniture made of solid woods and our bedding of cotton. I wanted to get out of her sad little apartment.

  “Let me have your phone. I’ll put my information in,” she handed it to me, and I noticed her eyes were sparkling a little too much. I worried she would attach to me. “I’m busy studying for my finals and finishing up my college applications.” I hoped she would get the message.

  I kissed the tip of her nose and left.

  ...

  I couldn’t get her off my mind the next day at lunch, not the sex so much but why she had let me do that to her without knowing her. I questioned whether I had forced her in some way, the idea of that made me feel sick. Her bright eyes and eagerness eased my mind but I couldn’t let it go.

  “I don’t get it,” I mumbled.

  “You can’t be talking about your schoolwork,” Danny said.

  “Marianne,” I knew he didn’t approve of what I was doing and felt embarrassed.

  “You didn’t get anything from her that she didn’t get from you,” Brendan always the voice of reason in my head said.

  “I don’t even know her. I didn’t even really talk to her. Two minutes in her room...” I didn’t finish my thought because bragging about sex wasn’t my thing.

  “Some girls are into sex. What’s so hard to understand?” Brendan said.

  “Some girls are, probably most girls are but those girls,” Danny pointed over to the parking lot, “Are fucked up in the head. Low self esteem.” He shook his head as if he were my father.

  “I don’t know her well enough to know that. I’ll find out today. Driving her home,” Brendan held up his hand for a high five. I slapped it and Danny laughed.

  I didn’t find out. I drove her home and listened to her prattle on about some drama going on a webpage I had never heard of before. I wanted to change the subject, but I had no idea what her interests were, so I listened and nodded my head as if I were interested in what she was saying.

  I didn’t even wait to get into her room before taking off my clothes. I grabbed her in the doorway of her room kissing her, slipping my finger underneath her shorts rubbing her back and forth occasionally moving my finger inside of her.

  “I forgot to go down on you yesterday,” I pulled off her shorts and underwear and went down on her on the floor. I got lost in her thinking of Celena but not missing her, remembering how she liked it.

  “I like it on the floor. It’s not hurting you, is it?” I took the condoms out of my jeans pocket and handed it to her. I instructed her on how to unroll it onto me because she didn’t seem to know how to do that.

  I fucked her on the floor not bothering to open my eyes this time, enjoying the sensations, not wanting to see her. I didn’t understand her, and I was beginning to think understanding her would ruin what we were doing. I left soon after, kissing her on the tip of the nose again without much of a good-bye.

  That’s how my week went, driving her home, the sex and leaving as quickly as possible. I didn't like the silence that came from us being essentially strangers to each other.

  …

  By the following week, I would take her to my car at lunch and have her go down on me while we sat in my backseat with a blanket over her head. Nobody ever walked by, and I don’t think I would have cared if someone did. She was becoming less and less of a human to me and more of a toy. I had stopped kissing her and hadn’t gone down on her since the day in the doorway to her room.

  Her mother was home on the weekends, so I didn’t see her. I could have brought her back to my house, but I found myself embarrassed by how she presented herself. Pretty as she was, she was also cheap looking with all of her make-up and trashy outfits of too small t-shirts and shorts. I knew my sister and even my newly reformed mother would mock her.

  About three weeks into whatever we were doing, I found myself interested in a different girl, Gwen. She was in a few of my AP classes and had broken up with her boyfriend. She had that melancholy air about her I always liked. I found myself skipping my lunchtime blowjob with Marianne to spend time with her.

  Marianne would see us walking around the campus with her but never mentioned it when I drove her home. I knew I was going to have to end it with her, but I didn’t know how to end something that hadn’t ever been real. Spending time with Gwen hadn’t changed my intense sexual interest in Marianne at all. All it had done was make my “relationship” with Marianne more of a secret.

  I was pounding away at her not looking at her, not even taking her breasts in my mouth how I had before when I accidentally made eye contact with her. She stared up at me with a look of love like my lost Celena. I rolled off of her and pulled her close to me in an affectionate way like I hadn’t shown her since maybe our second day together.

  “What are we doing Marianne? Why are you letting me treat you this way?” I didn’t want to know the answer. “I don’t know you at all and you don’t know me.”

  “I do know you. You play Lacrosse and you’re a genius. That’s what everyone says.” I smiled in spite of myself.

  “You don’t know me. I don’t want you to get attached. I don’t have time... This isn’t good for you. Do you do this all the time?”

  “Not the sex part. I never had sex before you. I understand. It’s okay. I know you don’t want to be seen with me. I like what we have. I won’t tell that girl you’ve been seeing.”

  I rolled on top of her not to have sex but to look at this horribly misguided girl. Danny was right, low self esteem. I wondered why she sold herself so short, willing to take scraps thrown her way. I didn’t want to contemplate being her first. It almost made me mad. Who wanted that responsibility?

  “Why would that be okay? Why don’t you want more?” I kissed her and saw her vulnerability beneath her war paint style make-up. “Why do you hang out with those girls if you aren’t like them? I don’t get you. Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin? Why did you let me take it from you like that? You are a mystery Marianne.”

  “Someone like you would never like someone like me. You’re like perfect. Everybody knows that.” I ran my hand through her hair confused and saddened by her thoughts about herself.

  “I guess I am like my friends,” she looked away from me reminding me of Zelda. “In ninth grade the seniors would make us... they didn’t make us I guess... but we did it anyway. We would give then blowjobs at parties. Then nobody liked us anymore,” she looked up at me fearfully. “I haven’t done it since I met you I promise.”

  “I’ve kept you pretty busy,” I nuzzled my face on her full breasts in a warm way and kissed her neck. “Marianne if we are going to spend time together, some things have to change. I can’t be with you, if you’re going to use the word “like” as a modifier, okay?”

  “I don’t know what a modifier is, but I won’t say like anymore,” her eyes lit up. I wanted to wash her face.

  “We’re going to make some changes in your life, a lot of changes actually. Actually is also a modifier. We’ll start with your make-up, and then I’ll have a look at your school schedule. If you don’t know what a modifier is I’m thinking that you’ll be taking an online grammar class this summer.”

  “I’ll do anything you want.”

  “That’s nice to hear, but equally as backwards as everything else you’ve said. You’re not going to have much of a life if you try to please everyone around you all the time,” I stroked my condom-covered penis. I wasn’t going to say or think cock and fuck around her anymore. “We have a lot to do, but right now I would like to finish. Is that okay? Do you even like sex?”
<
br />   “Yes,” her face reddening.

  “Marianne, look at me. What do you like? I want to make you feel good too.”

  “I like all of it,” I could tell it was hard for her to say, “I do I’m not just good at saying that. I guess it’s easier to say what I don’t like.” She took a deep breath, “I don’t like that you don’t look at me or touch me anymore. I don’t like giving you blowjobs in your car at lunch. I feel like everyone knows.”

  “No more blowjobs at lunch.” I couldn't believe I had let myself behave so selfishly. I didn’t think everyone knew, but I was sure my friends had figured it out.

  “Here’s what we’re going to do,” I mounted her and maintained eye contact, “I can tell you like this... We’ll be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend. I really don’t have a lot of time, okay?” I kissed her neck again.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Are you attached to your make-up? Does it have importance to you? And the way you dress? Is that important? Because if we’re going to spend time together, I don’t want everyone looking at you that way. You’re beautiful. They can figure that out without you throwing into their faces. It’s up to you though. I’m serious. Don’t do or say what you think I want to hear.”

  “I just do what my friends do.” I was used to bossy girls like my sister, Zelda and Celena. Marianne’s mindset was foreign to me. I worried she was a lost cause.

  “You’re going to have to do some thinking on your own. I’m not going to tell you what to do. Maybe you like even a more provocative look. Get up. Let’s look in your closet. I’ll pick out something for you to wear tomorrow because we’ll have lunch together just the two of us. But I’ll be expecting some original ideas from you. Think of it as a homework assignment. I can’t be with you if you can’t think for yourself.” I pulled the condom off and took her hand and led her to the closet.

  I preferred dresses having grown used to them from my sister and most of the girls and women in my life, but I didn’t want to influence Marianne. I picked out jeans and a floral short sleeve blouse with sneakers. I would have been happy to never to see those sheepskin boots the girls in our school lived in ever again.

  I kissed her for a long time as we stood in front of her closet. I kept my hands on her face, not touching her body being as chaste with her as possible considering how far our relationship had already progressed. “I have to go now. Meet me tomorrow at my table. I’ll make us lunch so don’t bother packing anything and remember, I want to hear your thoughts. You’re beautiful Marianne.” I got dressed.

  …

  I sat with my friends while waiting for Marianne. I didn't let them know about the change in our relationship status. I was almost embarrassed to tell them. Sweet as she seemed, Marianne had a bad reputation, and I wasn’t up to defending her. I didn’t know where I was going with her, but her mindless good-natured way had touched me in a way I hadn’t wanted.

  “Hi Serge,” she yelled out with a wave and a big smile as she nervously approached our table.

  “Hey Marianne,” I stood up happy to see her in the simple outfit and fresh face with only a little pale pink lipstick. “These are my friends Danny and Brendan,” I felt my face redden as hers always did, worried about how they would react. They said “Hi” with a knowing not derisive laugh. Marianne didn't understand them and looked down at the ground. I grabbed our lunch and led her to a tree far away from the quad where most of the kids ate.

  I was aware of people looking at us as I unpacked our lunch of hummus, pita and lentils. Marianne was a lot to take on gossip wise. Celena had been difficult but nobody had looked down on her the way they did with the girls that ate their lunch by the parking lot. Celena had been fierce. Nobody would have dared to say anything about her, and besides I was as well liked as Marianne thought.

  “I want to start over Marianne. Back away from the sex for a little while. I have a game after school. Come watch, and we’ll get something to eat after.” I nodded deciding it was settled.

  “Okay, I would like that,” she smiled in the sweetest way. “I did my homework, and I now know that I don’t know, but I’m going to stick with this,” she waved her hand over herself, “until I figure it out. I know I like my lipstick.”

  “Excellent decision,” It was in no way lost on me that I was trying to make up for my failings with my mother, Zelda and Celena by helping her. I kissed her on the lips knowing people or at least my friends were watching us. “I need your transcripts. You’ll have to go to the office and get them. I don’t want to tell you what to do in any other way, but I can’t be “exclusive” with someone who doesn’t care about her education. Like you said I’m a genius,” I smiled to lighten the words anyone else would take as an insult. “Also I don’t want to hear about anything internet-related for the rest of our time together.”

  “I like being exclusive with you, Serge,” she smiled, and we spent the rest of our lunch getting to know the basic facts of each other’s lives. She left before the bell rang to get her transcripts. I walked back to my friends.

  “I knew it. Like you could use a girl. My buddy, Serge. Pay up Brendan,” Danny surprised me by saying, making me laugh.

  “Serge, you let me down. I owe Danny ten dollars now,” Brendan wore a look of exaggerated disappointment on his face.

  “Guys,” I said, “She was one of those freshman blowjob girls but otherwise intact. What was I going to do?” I felt a little disloyal saying that, but I needed to put an end to her somewhat undeserved reputation.

  “Fucking otherwise intact, who says things like that? Nobody but you would feel that way and that’s why you’re our buddy.” Of course, Brendan raised his hand for a high five. I wondered at what age we would stop doing that.

  …

  We dressed as quickly as possible after the game while bowing down to the greatness of Brendan. He had controlled the field, dogging the other team into submission. He may have broken one of the opposing player's arm, but we all knew what we were getting into when we played. Great game.

  We were honoring him with choice slang words of appreciation when two of our friends approached us with concerned looks on their faces. I worried for a moment that they were coming over to warn us that Brendan was going to face consequences for unnecessary violence on the field, possibly get kicked off the team. But they came straight to me instead.

  “Dude, what are you doing? Marni...” They carried on not even knowing the name of the girl in question, telling me stories of what sounded like satanic sex cult orgies going on at parties that didn’t exist in our little world.

  I was shocked as they continued making it sound like she would take one after another in the backyards of the parties I had been to with them. It seemed impossible they could even believe what they were saying. I wanted to beat them with my stick, but I knew they thought they were being my friends, helping me avoid a bad decision.

  So many thoughts went through my head. The way Marianne referred to “everyone” all the time. The way so many girls and even some of my friends felt they were under a microscope being watched by their always judgmental, almost fascist peers.

  I thought of my stick again as they continued but to show vulnerability would leave me and Marianne open to vicious taunts. I had a brain in my head and had always understood the pack mentality. I opened my mouth and forced out words I was unsure of speaking.

  “Stop,” I held up my hand, “She was a freshman blowjob girl. That’s it,” I couldn’t believe that came out of my mouth. “I don’t need you guys dissing... my girlfriend. Seriously, what were you guys doing freshman year?” My head spun. I had no idea where I was going with what I was saying. That’s when my backup jumped in.

  “Fucking seniors. You know how they are with the fresh meat,” Danny had clearly stepped out of his comfort zone and shut himself up, and that’s why God created Brendan.

  “Fucking right. What were you two doing freshman year? The three of us,” he waved his hand our way, “Seni
or girls all the time. That’s all we did. Chase them down.” That wasn’t true at all. “We didn’t get any of them, but we tried. Marni? Marianne? She’s a hero.” He lost me at “hero”, but the expressions on the faces of our town criers friends was beyond confused making his nonsensical words worth it.

  “Fucking gender norms,” Danny muttered loudly. I smiled knowing he had picked up that phrase from Zelda.

  “It’s like you guys are gay or something. If you’re not hunting them down,” Brendan continued, “You’re just wasting your time. It’s easier for the girls. You want to be one upped by a chick? Not me,” It was hard not to laugh, especially because Brendan had been with Cara for only very small breaks for all of high school. He had been a little crazy with the “chicks” during the breaks but not even close to the “hunting them down” he stated.